With spring creeping up on us, it’s time for Bill’s Annual Men’s Spring Fashion Spectacular.
I write this every year to let my fellow males know what will and won’t be “in” for spring — Jackets! Pants! Shirts! Underwear! — and why, ho-hum, it doesn’t really matter, because you should wear only what looks good on you.
These articles have never been particularly difficult for me to write, because I have met many of you through the years and, to be perfectly honest, nothing looks good on you.
I do relate, though, since nothing looks good on me, either, which brings me to a somewhat amusing side story: Last month, when I began researching this year’s Spring Fashion Spectacular, I wanted to say we’re all in the same boat when it comes to finding clothes that are stylish, fit well and look great on us.
In fact, I had just typed out the words “in the same boat” when a story came on the news about a 24-year-old Chilean man named Adrian Simancas, who was swallowed and, subsequently, spit out by a whale while he was out on his kayak in the Strait of Magellan.
As near as I could tell, from the video taken by his father, Mr. Simancas was wearing an ill-fitting, unflattering outfit, which is most likely why the whale spit him out.
His ensemble consisted of green denim slacks with a dark blue T-shirt, a light blue and off-white serape, a black-and-yellow hoodie, a bright orange life vest and — yikes! — brown gloves.
I didn’t see his shoes. But can you imagine anyone wearing brown gloves with a black-and-yellow hoodie over a blue serape?
The combination made me spit, too.
Individually, these pieces weren’t bad. In fact, I’ve been looking for that hoodie online for three weeks now.
The real problem? Mr. Simancas’ outfit lacked what many style icons, myself included, call SAUCE.
(And please, don’t call it gravy.)
In fashion circles, “sauce” refers to a look that works. A look that exudes comfort and confidence. A look that appears effortless. A look that says, “This man has it all together.”
As you’ve no doubt noticed, some men are saucier than others. Cary Grant’s clothes had sauce. Ditto for JFK. And George Clooney has it, too, whether he’s wearing tailored suits, scrubs or rags.
The concept of sauce is easily understood by male fashionistas like myself (although I prefer the term “fashionisto”). As for the rest of you: Anyone can buy an outfit that they see in a store, pinned onto a mannequin. You can buy it, you can take it home and you can even put it on. But that doesn’t mean it will look good on you.
So how do you know?
When standing in front of a mirror, ask yourself, “Am I wearing these clothes, or are these clothes wearing me?”
Two months ago, on a whim, I ordered a new sweater from Amazon that I thought was quite nice, even if it wasn’t quite ME.
It was a tan color with three stripes — brown, white and brown — on the front. I figured it would go great with my coloring and would look great over a neutral shirt and pants.
I had a party coming up, two weeks after the sweater arrived, but when I tried the sweater on, I didn’t feel comfortable. I thought it was, perhaps, too nice. Too new. Too fashionable.
This led to serious doubts: If I wore it to the party, would people think I was trying too hard?
Apparently, they did. Because I did wear it to the party, and no one said I looked good, even though MANY people said they loved the sweater.
“Oh! What a beautiful sweater!”
Fashion show at Alexanders March 1973
Eventually, my hostess approached me and asked me to go home, but to leave the sweater at her house.
I was crushed.
Anyway, if you still care what fashionable men will be wearing in 2025, the list includes short shorts, long, flowing jackets, see-through shirts, baggy cargo pants and hiking boots.
If you wear these things and look good, will a whale eat you?
Probably, yes.
This article originally appeared on NorthJersey.com: Fashion may make you more attractive, to whales, at least: Ervolino
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